


Begin Again

by Sphenimersus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern, Brother Talk, Doctor Castiel, Drinking, Helpful Sam, M/M, Stripper Dean, Strippers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 13:24:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5628157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sphenimersus/pseuds/Sphenimersus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fury, sadness, emptiness. What can they do when misunderstandings arise?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Begin Again

**Author's Note:**

> So, more sad stuff because I’m am simply not capable of writing happy stuff this year. But hey, it's a happy end.
> 
> Title from Taylor Swift’s song “Begin Again” though the story itself is not inspired by the song or song title.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this.

In a tiny little apartment, two voices that are furiously rebuking each other can be heard. Their neighbors wish to complain, but how can they butt in? The screaming, the crying, everything can be heard. The words, the violent sadness.

"You run off to your old job as soon as I cancel a date with you?! I told you the reason! I had people to save. Children! Why couldn’t you understand that?!" Castiel shouts, infuriated with his boyfriend.

Dean bitterly glares, "I _do_ understand. It wasn't the first date you've cancelled and I only did it one more time."

"It doesn’t matter. You had other jobs. You _told_ me that you _quit_ that job! You _promised_ me that you wouldn't do that again! I told you that I _love_ you, and this is what you do?!” The blue-eyed doctor lets tears fall from his eyes; his voice breaks, “You do what you said you stopped doing. You strip in front of _dozens_ of other people. You sit on the fucking lap of a customer. You _touch_ them like—”

Dean punches the man hard in the face, “Like what?! A whore?! Like someone who can’t get enough of something and goes begging for it?! Getting paid for it?!” Voice cracking, he turns away and says softly, “Fuck you, Cas. Because I’m not that.”

Castiel blinks at the words. He still loves Dean; he doesn’t want to see him walk away. He whispers to no one, to nothing,  “No, I wasn’t going to say that.” _I was going to say, “Like you don’t need me.” Dean…_ He wants to call out to the man he loves so dearly.

* * *

Days later, Dean is with his brother, drinking in the Harvelle’s Roadhouse. “Sam, I dunno. I feel suh empteh w’th’ut ’im,” Dean slurs his words while downing another glass of liquor. 

Sam shakes his head, “Dean, you said that you were the one that walked away.” 

Laying his head on the bar table, Dean nods, barely visible. “Yah, an’ I miss ’im like hell. But he was gunna call meh a whore. Whut wus I s’pposed ta do?” 

“From what I'm hearing, I think that you didn't hear what he wanted to say,” Sam chides his older brother. “Cas isn't that kind of guy. Did you two have a proper talk or was it just shouts?” 

Tilting his head, Dean recalls, “I dunno.” 

Sighing, Sam says, “Go talk with Cas. Go apologize. It's mostly your fault anyway.”

Dean scowls, “Why’'re ya taking his side?” 

“I'm not taking anybody's side. I just think you need to find something better to do to earn money. Especially since the job that you usually do is hurting the one you love.” 

Dean gawks at the _L_ word. 

Sam shrugs, “It’s true, Dean. You can't deny it. I can see it in your eyes.” 

Staring at the table, Dean nods, “I guess. But, how ’m I s’pposed ta talk to him.” 

“Just go to his house and apologize. Explain yourself. You have a short temper and all that stuff,” Sam answers. 

“Is th’t it?” 

Sam smiles, “It’s easier than you think, Dean.” 

Dean agrees and leaves before he can chicken out. 

* * *

_Ding dong!_  

Castiel looks up from his couch. For the past few days, he hasn't moved much except to eat. He called in sick for his job, which is a first ever since he's started it. 

He gets up and looks through the peephole, wondering who it is. _Dean. A drunk Dean._ He's about to tell his ex(?)-boyfriend to go away, but he's interrupted by Dean. 

“Heya Cas. I dunno if y’re home o’ not, an’ if ya ’re, you dun have ta op’n the door.” 

Castiel’s heart clenched at the first part of the sentence. Ever since they started dating, he had almost never been home. Cancelled quite a few dates and even left halfway through some. Dean had said it was okay, and Cas trusted his words blindly. _Maybe that's why I wasn't enough_ , Castiel bitterly thinks. 

Dean continues, “An’way, I guess I wanna say I'm sorry for th’t night.” He takes a deep breath, “This is gunna sound l’ke an excuse but I wanted ta say no to them. They're new employee bailed on them and they called me. They _begged_ me, Cas. I didn't know what to do. It's hard for me to say no, y’know. Always has been.” 

Castiel nods behind the door and remembers the time he invited Dean to a museum that's main attraction was of a burned haunted house. _You were hesitant. I joked that you were scared of ghosts. You said yes, that you would go. You cried on our way back. You told me about your mom -- how she died in a house fire. I didn't know._ He thinks of another time, _And then the time when I invited you to a cat shelter. You said yes. You almost had an attack because you didn't tell me you were allergic to cats. I thought you were going to die._

Dean puts his head on the door, still pressing the intercom button while sobering up slightly. “I didn't do a lap dance. I didn't touch anyone. I didn't even take the tips they offered.” Dean's eyes begin to sting. “Hey, Cas. Did you know that I need you? So much. I need you so much, Cas. You have no idea.” Tears silently fall down his cheeks.

Castiel starts crying as well. _Me too. I need you too, Dean._

“I _need_ you, Cas.  It's like I'm drowning without you. I don't know what to do. I miss you so, so much.”

 _I miss you too, Dean,_ Castiel nods.

“I-i, I think, no, not that, I _know_ I l-lo-love y-you. You said you love me so many times. I always said, ‘Me too.’ I never said the word.” Dean whispers, “I'm scared, Cas. I'm so fuckin’ scared of losing you. Everyone that I've ever said that to left me. I don't want to lose you.”

Castiel’s heart shakes at Deans, _I love you, Dean. I won't leave you. Just don't leave me._

“I-i dunno anymore. Maybe it's punishment. Everyone I loved leaves me ’cause I hurt ’em. I should go before I hurt you more. I should stop loving people. Would it be better if I didn't exist in order to stop hurting people I love?” Dean questions with both his heart and voice breaking. “Cas, I'm sorry and don't forgive me ’cause I'll never forgive myself for hurting you.”

Castiel violently shakes his head behind the door. He says a few words, barely audible to Dean, “Don't go, Dean. I'm sorry to. I should've asked reasonably. I should've had a proper discussion with you.”

Dean jumps away from the door when he hears the doctor's voice. He answers hurriedly, “No, you're wrong, Cas. It's definitely not your fault. I instigated the whole situation. I should've told you, asked you. I should've known better than to try and keep a secret that would obviously bring us misery. I was a dick.”

As much as Castiel would've liked to deny all that Dean had said, he couldn't find a reason to, so he just said, “You're right. You were a dick.”

Dean chuckles, “Thanks, man.”

“Would you like to come in?” Castiel asks after opening the door slightly.

“Sure,” Dean nods. The two men avoid contact and awkwardly stand with each other at the doorway.

“Tea?” Castiel finally inquires.

Dean shakes his head, “I probably woke you up. Go back to sleep. I'll sleep on the couch.”

Castiel nods, “Okay.”

* * *

The next morning, Dean groans, “ _Fuck_.” Memories of the previous night rush to his mind. He groans again, “ _Fuck_.”

Castiel walks in as Dean was waking up. “You remember last night?”

Dean answers, “Yeah, I'm sorry for bothering you.”

"Were you serious?”

“Yeah, you can call the club to verify. The have cameras for security too,” Dean thoughtlessly replies.

Castiel clarifies, “I meant about your feelings for me.”

Dean blushes at the question and imperceptibly nods, “Yeah, I l-love you. A lot."

“I'm scared of losing you too,” Castiel says. “I need you too, Dean.”

Dean's hand slightly tightens into a fist before he looks up, “Should we begin again?”

Castiel laughs, “Yes, we'll go with your Taylor Swift reference.”

Dean grins, “I'm glad you know it.”


End file.
